Into The Shining Sun...
Sitting outside in the patio with a cup of steaming green tea in one hand at 4 in the morning on a (very) cold wintery day provides for the perfect air for contemplation. And with the year at its end, I can’t help but introspect. Nostalgia is the after effect of going through the past 365 days of my life.
Last year I was, during this very time, some 2000 Kilometers away from family and friends, in a completely foreign city, all alone. I had started my year in search for some answers. And serenity, maybe. Without submitting further into it, I shall just say that my mind was in turmoil regarding some recent developments and I was not happy. So I ventured off to a lone trip.
How glad I am that I undertook that trip. To impress upon you the after-effect of that wonderful lone journey, it’s suffice to say that my brother and I are planning to spend a week there soon enough.
I started my year when I was at my lowest. I am ending it by riding on the highest wave there ever was. And the high tide accompanies with it the prospect that it's going to end soon.
One of the major disadvantages of growing up too soon & having parents who allowed and encouraged you to make your own decisions since you were 13 is that by the time you finish of your teenage and take stock of your life, the number of decisions that you probably are going to regret is invariably higher than your fellow mates, who in all likelihood started taking real decisions an year or two back. In such a scenario, you have to be careful so as not to give into the feeling of despair at your past mistakes.
However, I learnt this an year too late.
The past year and some more had seen me being surrounded by self-doubt and regrets. I wasn't sure of some of my choices that I took, and always wondered why I even considered them in the first place. There had been so many moments in my life when I would just wonder how my life would have been had I done things differently. And the difficulty with analyzing a situation with 'What if….' is that it always lead you to believe that things would have been better, which distorts the perspective one should have.
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| It's only our choices that define us... |
Every single step I made seems to have fallen in the right places. Was I guided by some force…? I don't know. Do we really make conscious choices, or is it just our ego that believes we are taking course of our life…? I don't even know this. Someday I'll discuss these philosophical and theological questions.
But, at this very moment, I feel part of something bigger. I feel as if I am closer to Universe. Not because I don't have problems right now, or I am not cribbing. But because I can understand the nature of things at some subtle level.
All these months, I had been so close to the puzzle, trying my best at rectifying just one part of it, that I couldn't see the larger picture that was being formed.
And in midst of all these decisions, the most significant one is when I decided to let go.
The fishes, during certain periods of year, migrate. And in doing so, they search for some currents that takes them, without any hassles to their destined destinations. The fishes 'choose' their own current, and after that, they simply let go.
I, a piscean, am currently flowing with the stream. And I am not to keen of coming out of it too soon. Till it lasts, I just want to enjoy the view of where I am heading.
Had I done things differently in the past, I would not be here writing these very lines. And things have turned out so much better than I used to conjure them in my mind when playing 'What if..."
Yes, I do have regrets. But if given a chance to go back in time and change things, I would CHOOSE to not do so.
Maybe it's the green tea that is having this effect. :-)
But, I am happy.Yes, in accordance to my previous post, I still don't know how to define happyness, or state the criteria for it. But, I have realized that being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It simply means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.
I had been running so feverishly after happyness for past 12 months, that blinded by the pursuit I ran past it in the very beginning only. And ever since then, the harder i tried, the farther I ran away from it. It's only when I looked back that I saw happyness trying to catch me. And all I have to do now is just stall, take a deep breath, enjoy the view and wait for it to catch up.
And in the past few months, I encountered few beings who in very short span of time became a part of the puzzle. These people, without even realizing bore the promise with them that things are not so bad. They never were. And as the final pieces of the jig saw were falling into places, I found hope. The pandora's box was finally within my grasp. And as I become part of another puzzle, I am not too sure wether I want to open the box yet.
Along with these new persons, I want to thank my 'old' Friends, who have been with me through all the thickest parts, juggling with my mood swings, withstanding my swears and rudeness. For without them, I would have broken by now; My family, for simply being there; and all those readers who kept on prodding me to write with their mails, thereby increasing my confidence to pick my pen again.
Never would I write about my personal life was something I had decided the moment I started with this journal. It's for those once in a while mails asking for my absence that I am breaking my this rule for once at least. It is to give explanation as to why I wasn't active in these past few months.
Conclusions:
And as I take the last sip of the tea, and watch the sun rise, I can't help but look forward to what's in hold for me next.
Because In the end, I know it's going to be worth it. It always is.
P.s- Happy New Year to all the readers, commentors, and lurkers.
P.p.s- By the way, how's the new theme??
-Setu 'Se2' Gupta
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